Today started with the alarm rudely awakening me at 7 am – to work.  And not the work I am here to do, but the day job that allows me to do it at all.  Bizarre.  Just a few hours earlier I was taking a bow at Surgeons Hall and now the blow of reality that:

1.  I need to get up.
2. I have a presentation to do.
3. I still need to do some work on it.

I’m not alone in this.  Kirstin commutes every day to be with her 4 year old son, Fenn, then works for several hours during the day before travelling back to Edinburgh.  I’m lucky that I’m staying here and can at least somewhat juggle. George has made the leap – this is his life.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t envious.

Tonight was also a first.  We had Lynn, George’s other half in the show.  It’s weird the pressure that that brings.  Lynn and Silva have been backing us from the very beginning and we have their unconditional support and love, but perhaps because of that, we have this overwhelming need to justify it.  It was a really good show tonight and the relief from all of us was enormous.  We set out to do a great show every night, but the people that mean the most to us are also the people that we want to experience us at our best.  I hope we did it.

Tomorrow brings my parents.  Dad, just close your eyes and forget your daughter wrote this.  It will all be good. x

Take everything about last night and flip it.

From the very beginning it felt different.  We had experienced all the tech problems you could imagine, had figured out how to respond to them and then tonight, there were none.

We were free.

That beautiful sensation of being alive onstage, interacting with each other, hearing the audience react – just perfect.

Our official opening night and all the theatre gremlins decided to buy a ticket.  Full prep  (including ritual tea drinking) complete, we were ready.

Brilliant news – we sold out!  The excitement and buzz was all around as we watched the queue get longer and longer to get into theatre 2.  Get in done, time to let the audience in.  But then…no music.  Where’s the music?  Quick dash to sound desk and the music starts – phew.

Lights up…just a fraction too early, but no problem.  Then transition to scene 2.  WHERE’S THE MUSIC?!

Lights up with just one cast member onstage.  No biggie, I improvise and start the scene as though I were entering.  Then the transition to scene 3.  WHERE’S THE (insert expletive here) MUSIC?!!!!

Scene 4 – Finally the music gremlins seem to have been appeased, and go off to torture someone else. The lights go on/off as expected.

Final scene – where’s the blackout?!!!!  There are no more lines in the script.  What do I do?  Quick plan to rescue and just as I’m about to go with it, the beautiful feeling of blackout.

Lessons Learned – Things will go wrong.  I cannot control them.  The audience do not know what they have missed.  It sucks.  Get over it.  Do everything in your power to make sure it never happens again.

The director said, “don’t get complacent”. Ha!  That is not even a possibility.  I honestly feel more pressure from positive feedback than negative – only one way to go…

So here we are, second night.  Kirstin, George and I have our pre-show meal and enjoy what is sure to become a ritual, George’s soon to be famous “Ginger, Lemon and Honey Tea” for our voices. Voice and body warm-ups follow – we are ready.

We get to the venue to discover it is almost a sell-out.  How did that happen?  I guess sex really does sell!

Scene 4 – damn, messed up a line…Quick fix and we’re ok.

Scene 5 – lights are up too early.  Kirstin is on stage without me.  First line has to be quickly revised to make sense.  Argh!

And then…applause.  Audience doesn’t notice/care.  They enjoyed it.

I honestly can’t remember a time when I felt this happy, this fulfilled.  I can’t wait for Monday and the start of the official 3 week run.

Until then x

Lights came up and I wasn’t ready.  My throat was dry and I wanted to be anywhere but onstage and I definitely didn’t want to have to say the first line!  I forget who said it, but I remember from somewhere that the emotions an actor feels can often be close to the character they are playing.  Luckily Shona is supposed to be nervous at the start of the play…Great!  No need for an “as if”, I got that covered!

“Sorry, I haven’t done this before.  What do we?  I mean do we just…you know?”  The words  came out before I had a chance to edit/vomit/run off stage and we were off.

Just a few minutes later I heard golden sounds – laughs, and in an appropriate place! The next 45 minutes are a total blur, but God am I glad I knew my lines inside out and back to front because the terror would have eaten them up.  Then that beautiful moment of the final scene.

Applause…

They liked it…

I’m so happy I could cry.  I probably will.

I’m scared.  Very scared.  Like can’t keep anything down scared.  This has been so much of a dream that I never thought the day would actually come.  While we were in rehearsals, it was safe.  This day wasn’t supposed to ever come around and yet, here it is.

This play means the world to me but I feel so exposed.  If it sucks, then it’s down to me – I wrote it.  The feeling of having nowhere to hide makes me want to curl up in the corner of a dark room and only come out in September.  Most of all though, I don’t want to let down George, Kirstin and Martin.  They have all taken a leap of faith with me and I so want it to be good for them.

Fear of failure, fear of public humiliation, fear of sucking, fear of reviews, fear of people’s sympathy…Just fear, total fear.